This is coming quite a bit late, and some of you may already be aware, but I'll let you all know anyway, as it is for your own safety: Stingrays are going to kill us all. That's right. Stingrays are trying to take over the planet, trying to eradicate all humans and claim our world as their own. No longer can they stand being confined to the seas. They want our blood, and I'm afraid there is little we can do to stop it.

They first killed Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter, as a warning to us all. Steve Irwin was immortal, but those slimy bastards managed to slay him anyway. I have no idea how they were able to commit such deicide, but they have, and now the rest of humanity is completely vulnerable. We were too stupid to take the death of our Crocodile Hunter as a warning, claiming it a freak accident. The real truth is that the Australian government was completely aware of the impending stingray invasion. Why do you suppose the video of Steve Irwin's death was never released? The reason is because the events did not happen as they were described. Steve Irwin was not merely stabbed in the heart. The king of the stingrays impaled him, held his lifeless corpse to the camera and promised the annihilation of the human race, before ripping out the Crocodile Hunter's heart and devouring it. This declaration of war was never released as a way to keep order on the planet until our leaders can come up with a way to defeat the stingrays.

The stingrays are not giving up that easily, however. A little over a month later, they struck again. This time, the attack was far more aggressive. In this case, the stingray actually jumped out of the water and attacked the man. This, however, was once again dismissed as a "freak accident".

For five months since the second attack, the stingrays have remained quiet, but I have finally discovered what they have been doing this entire time: The stingrays have invented a machine that increases the rate of global warming throughout the world. As the world warms, water levels will rise, allowing the stingrays to creep ever closer towards us, closer to their goal of human extinction. Our world leaders have been trying to combat this strategy by attempting to increase awareness of global warming, so that we may decrease the effects on our end. This, however, is causing internal conflict among the human forces: some of our world leaders wish to increase awareness of global warming in order to slow the attack of the stingrays, while others choose to deny the existence of global warming so that we may spend our time coming up with a way to defeat these ruthless killers.

At this rate, we are all doomed. The only man who could have saved us has already fallen at their hands. Our only hope now is to do what our world leaders are trying to prevent. The world needs to know about the invasion. It is our only chance. Spread the word of the stingray invasion; tell everyone you know. If all of the human race were to come together and strike back, we may have a chance. It's a small chance, but it's the only one we've got. I beg you all, for the sake of humanity, put aside your differences and fight for a bigger cause. Together, we just may be able to save our world.

Hello, my name is Jason Torchia. I'm here today to talk to you about a creature I'm sure we've all seen wandering around on our front lawns before. No matter how many times you shoo them away, they keep coming back. That's right. I am, of course, speaking of Mormons.

In order to fully describe the habits of these pests, allow me to detail an encounter I had with a pair of Mormons this afternoon.

The first thing you have to understand about the Mormon is that it is incredibly stupid. I first spotted two of them this afternoon as I was walking down the sidewalk toward my house. They were knocking on the door of the house next to mine. You see, the mormon is a creature with such little intelligence that it is unaware that at 3:30pm, most people are still at work, or only just arriving home.

As most people know, Mormons hunt in pairs. As I walked past the house at which these two mormons were knocking away on the door - their primitive way of drawing the attention of humans inside their homes - I knew that they were going to follow me up to my house next. The hunting habits of a Mormon are extremely easy to follow; they simply move from one house to the next, all the way along the street. If a human inside happens to open the door, only then will the Mormon attack. They also track live prey, which I unfortunately was.

As I walked up my driveway, I pulled off my headphones so I could better track their footsteps behind me. They were closer than I had anticipated. My garage door opened. By this point, an attack was inevitable, but I stepped into my garage to put some distance between myself and the beasts during their assault. You see, though scientists have yet to determine why, a Mormon will never step directly into the home of a human.

As I've mentioned before, Mormons are incredibly stupid. Further proof of this comes from their choice of attempting to prey on me. Normally one would assume that a person with long hair; jeans which have ripped pant-leg bottoms; and black/death metal blasting from headphones which dangle from his ears would not be a very spiritual person. Unfortunately, these natural warning signs were lost on the prowling Mormons.

The attack began. "Excuse me", said the Mormon from behind me. Another one of my natural defenses, sarcasm, kicked in. "Isn't it a little early to be trick-or-treating?". A perfectly delivered line, as today was Halloween.

One would think that any other creature on Earth would be turned away by this point, but as has already been mentioned, Mormons are stupid. They continued their attack: "Hello. We're here with a message from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. We were wondering if you would be interested in a free copy of the Book of Mormon."

At this point, I must mention a yet untested method of warding off Mormons. I was unable to try it, as I had no matches or lighters in my pocket, but I can only assume that if one were to take their book and burn it in front of their faces, they would run away. Please note that a natural fear of fire in Mormons has not yet been scientifically proven, and that Mormons have been known to attack aggressively if provoked to their breaking point. I will not be held responsible for injuries that occur as a result of attempting to ward off Mormon hunting-couples in this manner.

"Do I look like I want one?" I said to the Mormon in an attempt to draw its attention to my appearance. Unfortunately, the stupidity of the Mormons once again prevented them from noticing the tell-tale signs that their attack would not be successful. "No." I said "I don't."

Mormons have a naturally inherent ability of making it seem like they have accepted defeat, when they are still ready to keep attacking. "Alright", said one Mormon, "have a nice day." If they had truly accepted defeat, they would have walked back down my driveway and left at this point. These Mormons, however, were only feigning defeat, as they stood there watching me for over five seconds, before I decided that my only option was to flee. "I plan to." I said, and pressed the button on the wall, lowering my garage door in front of them, successfully winning the battle.

This wasn't my first Mormon attack, and it certainly won't be the last. You see, the memory of the Mormon can be compared to that of a goldfish or a telemarketer. Mormons are unable to remember things for very long, so they will forget that you have told them that you are not interested, and will attack again soon after their last attack.

Mormons in a hunting party follow a strict caste structure. You may have noticed, if you have been attacked before, that only one of the two Mormons ever speaks. This Mormon is considered the Alpha Mormon - the leader of the hunting-couple. In a male-female pairing, the Alpha Mormon role will always be held by the male. This was true in the case of my attack. More often, however, Mormons will hunt in male-male pairs. Scientists have yet to determine how the position of Alpha Mormon is determined in a male-male pairing. The other Mormon in the couple - the Beta Mormon - is there to make the group seem larger, and more threatening, and provides emotional support when they lose a fight with their prey, which is almost always the result. You see, without a Beta Mormon in the group, an Alpha Mormon would most likely give up and go home crying after their first rejection. A successful Mormon attack has never been documented, but scientists say that it may, in fact, happen. The number of successful attacks, if they do ever occur, is estimated to be as low as one in one billion.

In order to protect yourself from a Mormon attack, it is important to know how to recognize them. Here are several key factors to take note of:
1. Mormons always hunt in couples.
2. They wear suits, often navy blue, with tell-tale black ties and may or may not be carrying a briefcase or several books. Do not mistake the Mormon for the Businessman, however.
3. If it is cold, their suits and ties may be covered by a warmer layer of clothing. You should, however, still be able to see their ties through the top of the zipper. Knowing this is one of the many things that helped me survive my Mormon attack, as the attack happened in the cold.
4. Mormon hunting-couples will always consist of a male-male (more common) or male-female (less common) pairing. A female-female pairing has never been documented, and is assumed not to exist.

I hope you will find this information helpful if you ever find yourself cornered by Mormons. Remember, when it comes to Mormons, wit is the key. I'm Jason Torchia. Good night.

Inspirational quotations can kiss my ass.

"Accept the challenges so that you may feel the exhilaration of victory." -George Patton
"Accept the challenges so that I may feel the exhilaration of your defeat." -Me

"If no one ever took risks, Michelangelo would have painted the Sistine floor." -Neil Simon
"If no one ever took risks, you wouldn't have risked an ass kicking by reciting stupid quotations in front of me." - Me

"Whenever you do a thing, act as if the whole word were watching." -Thomas Jefferson
You know he was talking about masturbation.

"A candle loses nothing by lighting another candle." -Erin Majors
Yeah, but then the other candle would melt away and die too. Candle murderer.

"Don't watch the clock. Do what it does. Keep going." -Sam Levenson
"Don't watch the clock. Do what it does. Stop ticking." -Me

"Discovery consists of looking at the same thing as everyone else and thinking something different." - Albert Szent-Gyorgyi
Doesn't being stoned consist of the same thing?

"A person's mind stretched to a new idea never goes back to its original dimensions." - Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.
"Once you go black you never go back." -Anonymous

"Friends in your life are like pillars on your porch. Sometimes they hold you up and sometimes they lean on you." -Elizabeth Foley
"Friends in your life are like lice in your hair. Sometimes they irritate you and sometimes they lay eggs on your scalp." -Me

"Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there." -Will Rogers
"Even if you're on the right track, your train might still fall into a ravine." -Me

"It is only in the giving of ones self to others that we truly live." -Ethel Percy Andrus
Tell that to your parents if they shoot down your dream of becoming a prostitute.

"The shortest way to do many things is to do one thing at a time." -Samuel Miles
So it takes less time to punch one person in the face and then another person than to punch two people at the same time? Your quotation makes no sense, Sammy.

"On the human chessboard, all moves are possible." -Miriam Schiff
If you cheat.

"Don't be afraid of the space between your dreams and reality. If you can dream it, you can make it so." -Belva Davis
The other night I dreamed I was a giant man-eating frog. Make THAT so, Belva.

"It's not so much how busy you are, but why you are busy. The bee is praised; the mosquito is swatted." -Marie O'Conner
I swat bees too, bitch.

"Differences challenge assumptions." -Anne Wilson Schaef
That's funny, differences in race and religion usually cause people to make assumptions.

End.

Here is a list, in no particular order, of things that piss me off (besides everything):

Rap
Rap is not music. It's some guy reciting poetry to a monotonously repetitive beat with the occasional "What?" thrown in. Stop asking "what?". The last thing I need is to have that crap repeated. Don't worry, you're not missing anything. Anyone who calls rap music gets a one-way trip to the moon. Which brings me to the next on the list:

The Moon
That bastard just sits up there in its lazy-ass orbit, glaring down at us, judging us with prejudice. Why don't you come down out of that orbit and fight me like a man, you cunt? Yeah, you sit up there stealing the sun's light like it's free. At least the sun has a real job. Sun: supports all life on the planet, and possibly undiscovered life on other planets. Moon: controls tides, beaching and killing whales. The sun wins, you murdering bastard.

People Standing In Line In Front Of Me Anywhere.
It doesn't matter where I am, if I'm in a line the idiot in front of me will always have some informative tidbit of information for me. I don't care. For example, I'm standing in line for a ride at some amusement park and the moron in front of me pipes up with: "This line sure isn't moving." No shit? "It just doesn't seem worth it to stand in line for 45 minutes for a 3 minute ride." Then please, for the love of toast, do us both a favor and get out of the line. If you have such important other things to attend to, then by all means fuck off. I'm certainly not holding you at gunpoint to stand here. Fear not though, after he left to get a drink and told me to save his spot, I pretended I'd never met him when he returned.

Even worse is when you're in line for fast food, and by the time the guy in front of you gets to the front of the line he doesn't know what he wants. Big decision there, fella, considering that you're at BURGER KING. The menu is in the name of the fucking restaurant. Then again, these are the same people who probably believe that Burger King is a real person.

TV Psychics
Anyone who believes the shit that spews from TV psychics' mouths deserves a smack. He's not talking to dead people, he's toying with your mind. I have a little prediction of my own, pal: Cancellation, if your viewers stop eating your crap long enough to get their heads out of their asses.

Jennifer Lopez
Louis Pasteur: Has the process of milk pasteurization named after him. Robert Bunsen: Invented the Bunsen burner. Rudolph Diesel: Created the diesel engine. Louis Braille: Invented a writing system for the blind and therefore had it named after him. Jennifer Lopez: Has an ass shape named after her. Gee, her contribution seems a lot less impressive. Her music and acting suck, so it's safe to say that her ass is her only contribution to society. Sorry, J.Lo., but you're going to the moon with the rap fans, before I blow it up.

Angelina Jolie
Why the hell do people drool over her when she's ass-ugly? Have you seen her lips? She looks like she has two bananas taped to her face. Here is an actual, honest-to-god photo of Angelina Jolie, taken at the premier of Mr. And Mrs. Smith:



Nope... I still don't see what everyone is drooling about.

Believe me, there millions of other things that piss me off, but this collection is big enough for now, and I don't feel like typing anymore. Go away.

Edit: If you don't believe that that is a real geniuine photograph, feel free to compare it to a colored version. The only difference is that mine is in black and white, but every other feature is EXACTLY the same.

Welcome to the first installment of MySpace Profile Critique Corner. ( [...] )

EDIT: It seems that Natalie has taken my advice since this article and changed her picture, as well as making her text slightly more readable. I'd like to think I've made a difference, though I know I haven't. This article is no longer funny due to her changing her profile. That bitch.

What the hell is the point of owning a cat? They don't even do anything. If I wanted to live with an animal that just sleeps and licks itself all day I'd find a roommate at the welfare office. One could argue that they make good company, but so do dogs, and at least a dog will fetch you the paper. When you come home after a long day, the dog will be there at the door waiting to greet you and bring you your slippers like a little, furry, four-legged, midget butler. A cat, on the other hand, will be sitting in a corner either sleeping or plotting your death. You can train a dog to do pretty much anything. What the hell will a cat do for you? Ooh, look, it brought me a dead mouse. Just what I always wanted. I bet you stole it from an owl, you cheap bastard. Cats are just more trouble than they're worth. You feed them and give them a home, and they shit in a box for you to clean up. Then when the neighbour's kids are trying to set it on fire it comes running to the door for you to let it in. Yeah right, you furry spawn of Satan. Why don't you just pretend the kids are my furniture. You seem to have no trouble tearing that to shreds. Kinda makes me want to move to China.

Why is it that people find nothing wrong with using the name "Google" as a verb? I hope the next person to say "Don't worry, I Googled it" is eaten by a rabid dictionary. What moron started this anyway? It's not so hard to simply say "I looked it up" without having to pimp the oh-so-sacred name of Google. It's a search engine, not a religion. When you use Yahoo! search, you don't say "I Yahooed it"; When you look up a word in the dictionary, you don't say "I dictionaried it"; when you ask your friend Steve for directions to his Christmas party and your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/hitch-hiker asks "Do you know how to get there?" you don't say "Oh don't worry, I Steved it", so stop saying "I Googled it". Christ, ignorance is an epidemic.

"But Jason! People use the word that way all the time, so it has become accepted!"

No. Just because some idiot started using it, his friend copied it, and it spread from ignorant prick to ignorant prick to the point of it ending up in some dictionaries doesn't mean it should be accepted. Stop adding pointless words to the already complicated English language.

"But Jason! The English language isn't complicated!"

Bullshit. We have way too many synonyms, and way to many exceptions to rules: "I before E except after C unless it makes the sound 'ei' as in 'neighbor' or 'weigh'." Then how the hell do you explain the words "glacier", "either", "neither", and every other damned exception? Why don't "thought", "though", and "through" rhyme, if there are any supposed rules? I could go on about why English is a damned complicated language, but I'll get back on topic.

My guess is that, like many new "words", the use of "Google" as a verb first came about as a way to shorten sentences. Stop doing this. If sentences keep getting shorter and shorter, then eventually the English language will be reduced to a mere series of grunts, like Neanderthals. Then the next thing you know we'll be living in caves and nomadically hunting our food. Way to go, Google. Thanks for causing the eventual devolution of the human race, you bastards.

Santa Claus has got to be the single most stupid thing alive. He has the ability to sneak into people's houses unnoticed without even being a ninja, and what does he do? He leaves things behind. If I was Santa, the only thing I would leave behind would be time-releasing mustard gas bombs. If you're going to be a ninja wanna-be, at least do the job right. Here's several things Santa Claus could do to make himself less of a pussy.

Stop giving shit away. From now on, kids on the "nice" list get a smack and kids on the "naughty" list get thrown down a flight of stairs. Really though, we all know that no kid deserves to be on the "nice" list anyway. While you're at it, smack the parents around a bit for being stupid enough to have kids in the first place.

Lose the bright red suit, the reindeer, and the "ho ho ho". The trick is to not alert the kids that you're coming. A black suit will allow you to hide in the darkened corners of the children's rooms, and without the loud "ho ho ho" and the reindeer hoof beats on the roof, you can easily sneak up and give the kids each a swift kick in the jaw while visions of your boot print dance in their heads.

Stop coming on the same night every year. No offense, Nicky, but December 25th is getting a little predictable. Imagine the look of terror on the children's faces when you come to crack some skulls in mid-July. They'd never expect that.

Quit with the giving, start with the taking. If you're going to be visiting houses, why not make it a living? If you see something expensive-looking, grab it and sell it. You could make billions in a single night.

Change your name. "Saint Nicholas" just doesn't instill the same fear that "Nick The Punisher" does. With a name like that, kids will be so scared that they'll start gift wrapping their toys for you to steal. Beat them extra hard if they do this. A toy truck isn't a real gift. Santa wants a 50-inch wide-screen TV.

Lose the elves. What would people think of a fat old guy calling himself The Punisher, living alone at the North Pole with a bunch of elves? Exactly. The elves have got to go.

Santa, if you were smart you would have thought of this years ago. Giving doesn't make anyone happy. If it did there would be no boxing day to return gifts. Christmas is all about what you get from someone else. Unless you're Jewish. Then it's 8 days long, called Hanukkah, and about a candle or something.

We humans are the dominant species on this planet, but I think it's time we stood up for the smaller, defenseless organisms. Namely, the plants. Humans have stood by long enough as innocent vegetables are unwittingly plucked from their homes in the ground, brutally skinned, and thrown in a pot of boiling water. What about the poor fruits? Barbarically torn from the branches of their trees, taken away from their families and eaten whole, flesh and all, or cut into small pieces and thrown into a salad with the severed pieces of other fruits.

And what is the need for all this senseless killing? So a vegetarian can enjoy a meal. Humans have stood by long enough, watching vegetarians slaughter poor defenseless fruits and vegetables. It's time to end this vicious cycle. We humans can do something about it. All you have to do is join PAEIP (Pay-ip) People Against the Eating of Innocent Plants.

"But Jason! I'm only one man/woman! What can I do to help your noble cause?"

The solution is simple. Instead of an apple, eat a vegetarian. Not only will you be saving the life of an innocent plant, but you will be limiting the number of vegetarians and helping stop the senseless murder of fruits and vegetables. For every vegetarian you eat you save hundreds of innocent fruits and vegetables that would have been eaten through the course of the vegetarian's life. I believe this is the niche nature intended humans to take. It is our job to lower the number of vegetarians and allow for the vegetable and fruit species to replenish.

Why should poor plants be sacrificed so tragically, just so these vegetarians can eat, especially when they could just slaughter a cow like the rest of us? It's just not fair. Fruits and vegetables are completely incapable of defending themselves. They literally couldn't hurt a fly if they wanted to, yet vegetarians choose to eat these poor creatures as opposed to cows which, for comparison, kill 100 times the number of people that sharks do which is, in turn, an infinite number more people than any plant has ever killed.

Deers are the most dangerous animal in the United States, running out into the road like idiots, causing car wrecks and killing or injuring us humans. By not helping limit the numbers of deers by eating them, vegetarians are essentially killing humans. When was the last time a poor little carrot killed someone? When was the last time a ripe, innocent apple caused a car wreck? Never.

The next time you're hungry for a salad, remember the innocent lettuce. Remember the poor tomatoes. And remember the vegetarians that are causing the deterioration of both the plant and human species. Do yourself and the world a favor: eat a vegetarian today.

If I see another commercial in which some hippy is telling me to adopt a starving African baby, I will be forced to kill said hippy, his family, and his dog. Why would I want to watch one of your depressing commercials when I could be watching Ronald McDonald dance around happily with a bunch of well-fed kids? I have sympathy for your situation and all, but I don't need starving naked kids on my screen every 10 minutes. Please, I'm trying to eat. Seeing dirty little poor naked kids dying before my eyes doesn't make me want to adopt one of your kids, it makes me want to change the channel. Besides, chances are the kid will be bitten by a diseased mosquito and I'll lose my investment.

If you want to pay to send some starving kid in Africa to school so he can send you letters and crappy pictures made with crayons then be my guest. Who the hell draws with crayons anyway? Be a man and write in your own blood. Pussy. But how many kids do you think the guy auctioning them off has adopted while he's sitting in front of TV with his big bowl of Cheerios, watching his own ugly mug on TV trying to sell kids? Probably somewhere around the number of zero.

"But Jason, at least he's doing something to help these kids while you're sitting there eating your french fries and ice cream. How would you feel if you were in their situation?"

I'd probably feel pretty shitty, but I'm not in their situation. Funny how that works, huh? People say things like "If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem" but just because I'm not giving them the money I make doesn't mean I'm the one keeping them poor. I earn my money and should therefore be allowed to spend it as I choose without feeling guilty. You wanna help your starving African kids? How's this: A yearly nation-wide tax of five dollars to be sent to countries that need help. Poof. Random starving kid is now making more than any of us do. You can't expect everyone to adopt your starving kids, so stop trying to guilt trip us into doing so.

Have you ever looked at someone, even someone you don't know, and decided that they just deserved a fucking smack? Have you ever passed someone on the street and thought "Damn, I should bitchslap the fuck out of that guy, just for the hell of it."? If I wasn't so adept at restraining myself from violence (besides eating the occasional baby, just to keep everyone on their toes) then I'd have smacked every damn person I've ever met. I don't care who you are, you've done something to deserve it. And if you think you haven't done anything to deserve it then that's why you deserve it. Eat me. Everyone needs a good dropkick in the head from time to time, you're no exception. I want you to call your closest friend right now, and tell him or her how much you deserve to be beaten, and ask - no, beg - them to break a chair over your head the next time they see you. Remember: just because you haven't done anything wrong recently doesn't mean you don't deserve to have your skull pounded in.

People who type like they're retarded piss me right off. Don't use the letter U as if it's an actual word. Take the extra 0.34 seconds and throw in a Y and an O. I shouldn't have to decipher the cryptogram you call a message. It's probably totally meaningless anyway. Just because you're on the internet doesn't mean you have to make yourself look like you're mentally handicapped.

"LOLZ but jason we do it 2 b abel to tipe fastar!!!!!1"

Believe it or not, you can type fast without looking retarded. And try to throw in some punctuation other then an obnoxious string of exclamation points, dipshit. A period isn't just the reason your mother beats you every month. See that little dot at the end of each of my sentences? That's right, it actually means something! And if you're going to attempt to use punctuation, for god's sake, put a bloody space after it.

Let's suppose for a second that I can buy the implausible "we do it to type faster" excuse. Can somebody please explain to me why anyone in their right mind would type "gurl" and "boi" instead of "girl" and "boy" when they're the same amount of fucking characters? If you want to look retarded, just post your picture on the internet and then kill yourself. Please.

If I hear the acronym "LOL" one more god damn time I will kill you. LOL means Laughing Out Loud. You're never even laughing out loud when you say it, you lying shitbag. And if you type every god damn message in capital letters, I will kick your ass. Do me a favour; rip your Caps Lock button off your keyboard and choke on it. Typing an entire message in capital letters does not help get your point across, it makes you look like you're too lazy to search your keyboard for the button that turns them off. Here's a hint: above the left shift, to the left of the A, you dumb shit. As long as the little "Caps Lock" light is on on your keyboard, don't fucking press any button but that one.

I'm not expecting everyone to be perfect little typists, but you don't have to type like a monkey on a bloody typewriter to get your point across. When every e-mail you send is one big typo, you should consider writing letters the old fashioned way.

Edit: I almost forgot: If you use the word "kewl" instead of "cool" I will tear your arm off and beat you to death with it.

I hate everything about school. I fucking hate it. If I had a dollar for every time a teacher asked me "Why is your backpack so heavy?" I'd be a millionaire and would be able to retire from my job as a hired assassin (which would be good, because the dry cleaner guy asked me about the blood on my clothes so I had to break his neck). Maybe the reason my backpack is so heavy is because I have two chemistry labs, a biology lab, study notes on a novel for English, a whole package of shit for history, Japanese homework, and the severed head of the last teacher who asked me that question crammed into my backpack.

It's not just the large amount of work and future of chronic back pain that pisses me off. Why do schools insist on promoting and even giving awards for perfect attendance? If a kid is sick he damn well better stay home. I don't need some kid infecting me because he wants his "Dipshit Student Of The Year" award. The next time I see a kid at school cough, or so much as blow his nose near me I'm going to inject him with AIDS.

When I grow up I'm going to be a dinosaur. How fucking cool would that be? Not only would I have the brute strength to destroy everyone and everything that pisses me off with one swipe of my massive dinosaur tail, but with my dinosaur ninja skills no one would even see me coming. You have no proof that dinosaurs didn't have ninja skills. Fuck you. It would be so cool because I'd walk around like a regular person, but I'd really be a dinosaur, and then when old people walked past me I'd let out a manly dinosaur roar and scare them shitless. I hate old people. Then I'd come home from work and sit on my couch (which would be huge, in order to accommodate my massive yet sexy dinosaur ass) and watch TV but then Friends would come on so I'd melt my TV to shit with my fire breath. You can't prove that dinosaurs didn't have fire breath either. Eat shit. And if the neighbourhood kids started playing on my lawn or on my driveway or across the street or in their houses I'd eat them because, well fuck, I'm a dinosaur. Man, when I become a dinosaur you're all gonna be sorry.

What's the point of tabloids? Who really cares about the lives of celebrities? Who really cares how much Oprah weighs? Who really cares who Britney Spears is fucking this week? How few worries do you have in your life that you have time to read about the lives of famous people? I'm god damn tired of celebrities being the focus of the media. I'd rather scoop my eyes out of their sockets with a spoon than read another headline along the lines of "[Insert asshole celebrity] Is GAY!". Who cares? No really, who cares?

"But Jason! Why don't you just not read it if it bothers you?"

You can't avoid the media. I can't watch TV without seeing "Guess which famous asshole was caught picking his nose! Tonight at nine on Who Gives a Shit News!" I can't go to the store without seeing the newspaper racks filled with crap like "[Insert asshole celebrity] Ends Pathetic Life After Break-Up With [Insert other asshole celebrity]!"

For those of you who actually read this inane garbage, here's some advice: start living your own life instead of reading about someone else's. Nowhere in life will it help you to know the details about every celebrity marriage, so just shut up.

Reality TV is quite an ironic term. There is nothing "real" about it. Take a pre-selected cast in a pre-selected location and put them in a pre-selected scenario and tell me just how that can be considered "real". Here is the basis of every reality TV show:

[Number] selected people from around the [country/world] are placed together in/on a(n) [island/small house] and/or compete for [money/a trip/love/a career] as they are removed one-by-one by [each other/a judge or judges/the viewers of the show].

I have just described every reality TV show out there. If you want something different, here's some of my ideas for reality TV shows:

What's Eating You?
Take 10 or so cannibals and put them in a room together with stationary cameras. Whoever doesn't get eaten wins a trip somewhere.

Who's Spleen Is It Anyway?
Contestants try to guess the names of celebrities just by looking at their internal organs. Winner receives all profits made when said organs are sold on eBay.

Don't Fall Off That Ladder While You're Piss Drunk Or You'll Be Eaten By Sharks
Contestants stand on ladders and drink while said ladders are placed so that the people standing on said ladders are directly above a pool of sharks. The winner doesn't get eaten AND wins a year supply of beer. It's entertaining, AND has a creative name. Bite me.

Pin The Sledge Hammer In The Mime's Cerebrum
It's like the classic kid's game Pin The Tail On The Donkey, but instead of a detached appendage it's a weapon, and instead of an ass it's an asshole. Players beat the shit out of mimes with sledge hammers. The prize is that said players got to beat the shit out of mimes with sledge hammers. Everybody wins. Except the mimes. But they got what they deserved anyway. Oh yeah, and unlike that pussy kid's game, the contestants aren't blindfolded. Mimes suck.

See what you could be watching if reality TV writers had just a bit of imagination? Instead of watching Donald Trump fire people's asses, some lonely guy win girls' affection with roses, 36 people bitching about how it sucks to be stuck on an island, or people who can't sing attempting to do so, you could be watching quality programming like mine. Or even more entertaining, those color bars that show up when a channel goes off the air.

Religion is the biggest hoax ever concieved by the human mind. I honestly can't get my head around the fact that people actually believe that stuff. Let's take a not-so-indepth look at several religions and how they work, shall we? Yes we shall. It's my journal, sucker.

Christianity
It's the classic story; Chick has love child with omnipotent spirit, the bastard gets stapled to a cross, the world is saved, everybody dances. This religion needs a lot less holy stuff and more ninjas. Either that or holy ninjas. Ninjas kick ass.

Judaism
Some guy parts an ocean. Big whoop. I could do that too if I was a fictional character. Learn to swim you lazy bastards.

Buddhism
You pray to a fat guy and meditate a lot. This is THE religion for lazy people. However, if you kill, steal, have sex, lie, drink, swear, talk out of turn, breathe funny, blink too much, stare at your secretary's tight ass, mow the lawn past 10 PM, eat donuts, eat meat, eat food, or insult midgets then buddha will eat you. Beware.

The cult of Mormon
It's like the cult version of Christianity. I don't care if they call themselves a religion. They are a cult in my books.

Amish
Technology is bad. Don't touch that tractor, get off your lazy ass and buy an ox. This is the exact opposite of Buddhism in that it's NOT recommended for lazy people. The best part is, though, that I can say what I want about them and they'll never read it because the internet is evil.

I was gonna do more, but I got lazy. If I forgot your religion in my list then tough shit. It's wrong anyway. The world would be a better place without religion. Not that it's ever, say, started any kind of war or anything. It just seems so trivial.

If this offends you in any way, e-mail me and I'll give you the address of my ass so you can kiss it.

Fuck you.

Shaw Cable has shitty service. My internet, and occasionally my television cable are down at least once a week. Here's a conversation I had with them awhile ago.

Shaw employee #246: Hello, Shaw Cable. Random Jackass Employee speaking.
Me: Hi, my cable and internet are both down. I checked everything, and the bill is paid, so I assume it's on your end.
Shaw employee #246: What's your address?
Me: [Proceeds to give address]
Shaw employee #246: [Long, cold pause] Hmm.. yeah, we're doing some maintenance in your area. It should be up shortly.
Me: Well when the hell is "shortly"?
Shaw employee #246: Most likely within an hour
Me: "Most likely"?
Shaw employee #246: [Random Jackass Employee begins to give an explanation as to why it needs to be fixed]
Me: Well that's great, but you know this isn't the first time it's happened.
Shaw employee #246: We apologize for the inconvenience.
Me: Do you think you could recommend a provider who's services don't go down every week?
Shaw employee #246: [Long pause in which Random Jackass Employee attempts to think of something to say as I listen to his brain work]
Me: [Hangs up phone]

That conversation happened a few months ago, but apparently their maintenance is never really complete because it's STILL FRIGGIN' GOING DOWN. I shouldn't have to pay for the time that it's impossible to use. This so-called cable company is a con artist's workshop in disguise. I've never met a con artist, but I assume that after a long day of conning they retire to a workshop of sorts.

Shaw seems to pride itself on having shitty service. There was a commercial awhile ago in which random victims of Shaw were complaining about cable and internet problems followed up with the pseudo-optimistic line "But shaw fixed it!". One woman's line is "I don't know what was wrong, but Shaw fixed it!" Well if they has such good service then there shouldn't have been a problem in the first place. If you have a problem and don't know what's wrong then chances are it's their fault anyway. Nuclear warheads don't fire themselves, someone has to push a button. If the button wasn't pushed on your end then blame Shaw.

What is this world coming to? The Cookie Monster is going on a diet of sorts.

They claim a change like this will make fat kids skinny because they'll see their role model, The Cookie Monster, eating healthy food and, being the impressionable little twits they are, want to be just like him. Do you really think that if a furry blue sock starts eating carrots instead of cookies that obese three-year-olds everywhere are soon going to be able to sit on grandpa's lap without breaking his prosthetic legs right off? I don't.

Apparently this works with negative things too. They claim that when kids see smoking in movies and TV that the whelps will do it too. If this is true of your kid then your kid deserves to increase his chances of cancer in later life. Kids see cars smash through buildings in movies too, but do you see four-year-olds joy-riding through malls? No. If Tinkie Winkie started snorting on set today, would we have a bunch of two-year-old crack whores tomorrow? I doubt it.

What it all comes down to is a lack of discipline and education. Don't let your kids control you. You brought them into this world, so they owe it to you to be your slave until you're rotting in the ground. That may sound harsh, but obviously letting them walk all over you doesn't work. Until you're dead, your kid shouldn't have a life.

"But you just don't want other kids to have a life or friends because you don't have such things!"

Maybe. But I also don't go around shooting random people in the street, having sex with strangers, or any of those other so-called negative media influences.

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah, Cookie Monster. That guy is bad ass.